Short-Term Gain, Long-Term Pain: When Avoidance Feels Like Relief

Looking Through the Windshield

A collection of practical thoughts on anxiety, trauma, grief, depression, and creating meaningful change.

Picture this: you’re an anxious person, and you have an upcoming appointment. You’re nervous about it—maybe sweating a little, experiencing a dry throat, or noticing that your heart is beating faster. You keep glancing at the clock, anxiously waiting for the time when you’ll have to leave. Then, an hour before the appointment, you receive a text saying it has been canceled. You let out a deep breath. Your anxiety decreases, perhaps even disappearing completely. Sweet relief.

For an anxious person, that relief is palpable, noticeable, and real. The problem is that this kind of relief can become highly reinforcing. Over time, people may begin proactively canceling appointments, avoiding engagements, or backing away from situations that make them uncomfortable. This can create a vicious cycle: I have something on my calendar that I don’t want to do. I cancel the thing I don’t want to do. The thing still needs to be done eventually. All I’ve really done is delay the inevitable. Short-term gain. Long-term pain.

This is part of what I refer to as the treadmill of despair, and it is especially common for people experiencing anxiety or depression. You have something you need to do, but you don’t feel motivated to do it. You’re anxious, low on energy, overwhelmed, or simply dreading it. Eventually, the desire to bail wins. Here’s the problem: do this often enough, and you may begin to feel pretty bad about yourself. Things aren’t getting done. You feel the weight of falling behind. Your responsibilities continue piling up, and somewhere in the back of your mind is the thought: “I should have just gone and done the thing.”

That is how the treadmill begins to speed up and becomes increasingly difficult to step off. Anxiety or depression leads to avoidance. Avoidance leads to increased anxiety or depression. The task remains unfinished, but it becomes harder and harder to imagine yourself completing it. Your confidence takes a hit, and the next uncomfortable task feels even more intimidating.

As an anxious person myself, I developed a way to shift my thinking about these situations, and I have also found it useful with anxious and depressed clients. Instead of focusing only on how you feel before the appointment, think about how you are likely to feel after it is finished. Let’s say the appointment is work-related and will end at 5:00 PM. Ask yourself: “How will I feel at 5:01 PM if I don’t attend the appointment, compared with how I’ll feel if I do?”

What many people discover is that overcoming the short-term pain of attending creates a longer-term gain. The task has been completed, and you feel relief that it is over. More importantly, you moved through something uncomfortable and challenging without allowing the discomfort to make the decision for you. That experience can increase your self-confidence and sense of mastery. It becomes particularly powerful when you respond this way repeatedly. Each time you act despite anxiety, low motivation, or discomfort, you create additional evidence that you are capable of doing difficult things.

A simple boxing metaphor works well here: As your therapist, I don’t need you to win every round. I just want you to win more rounds than you lose. The more rounds you win, the more confident you become. The more confident you become, the more likely you are to win future rounds against anxiety or depression. That does not mean you will never avoid something again, never cancel a plan, or never have a difficult day. The goal is not perfection. It is to gradually develop a pattern in which discomfort no longer gets the final vote. That is the long-term gain we are seeking in therapy: not the complete absence of anxiety or depression, but an increased ability to keep moving forward when those symptoms show up.

About the Author

Michael Davidson, MSW, LICSW, is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker who provides therapy for adults experiencing anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, and other life challenges. He offers in-person therapy in Vancouver, Washington, and telehealth throughout Washington.

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